What if you've only got silver?:
So I was going to write about the capacity to love. Or something like that. But I should have done that when I first came up with the idea, as I've now entirely forgotten what that post would have been about. Instead this might be a small history lesson. Might. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this yet.
I am a walking oxymoron. This extends to many facets of my life, most of which I will never spell out for you. But today, I'm going to let you in a little bit. Who ever happens to read this that is. Why? Because I feel the need to be brutally honest about myself for a change. So, here goes.
I have a distinct fear that everyone will at some point in time or in some way shape or form walk away.
Now, I say this because I'd like to stop that feeling but I'm not quite sure how. Not yet at least. I can't bring myself to 'trust' people. Trust being used in a highly specific way. I don't trust that they'll stick around. I don't trust that I'll know people for very long.
Now, this condition of mine probably has something to do with my family's military background, but I'm quite positive that isn't the whole of the situation. I just can't seem to keep 'friends' for very long.
The early demise of some of these short lived friendships is probably entirely my doing, I won't deny that. But other times, I just can't help but wonder exactly what it is I've done.
Am I a bad person? Am I hard to get along with? Am I a bad friend? Etc. Etc. Etc. I've spent many a day pondering those exact questions. And I'm still not entirely sure what the answers are, the fact remains that as of yet, I am the only common denominator in my train wreck of destroyed relationships.
But in any case, as a result of these factors, I'm unable to believe (as of this posting) that I'll know people for very long. I've continued the cycle my entire life, and so far, it shows no signs of slowing down. As such, I'm terribly reluctant to get attached to people. I mean, it happens anyway, when I'm not looking, but still.
I don't want to feel like my personal happiness is reliant upon another being because all too often they just walk away with it. Especially males. I'm even more reluctant to admit any fondness I may have because I like them more (sorry ladies but I just like guys better, even negating the whole sexuality bit). But despite me inherently liking them more, they also have the highest probability of just up and walking away. Interesting predicament.
Now, I bring all of this up, because I feel myself getting attached again. God only knows why, these people are clearly insane. I'd very much like to not manage to screw this up, so I'm hoping an obvious awareness for the pattern means I can stop the repetition?
Maybe I can. Maybe I can't. I'd really prefer it if the cycle didn't repeat itself this time. I like these ones. They're all awesome in their own fucktarded ways. I already feel like I've lost a few, so can I just keep the rest please?
Quote of the Day:
"An insincere friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."
-Buddha
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