Drug of choice

Inspiration just hit. Might as well record it.

Past and Present:

Alright. So, on my facebook a "friend finder" box popped up. I wasn't going to click it, but it started irking me, so in order to remove it, I clicked. What appeared was a list of people that I don't particularly associate with, or even remember any more. Except for one name. A name that is attached to a kid that used to be an extremely important part of my life.

I know I've ranted about this topic before, but it's one that I can't help but revisit every once in awhile. This kid used to be my best friend. We were near inseparable for years. But we grew apart. That's how the story always goes, isn't it? Well, at least, that's the story I'm used to. There are those other kids who have known the same people their entire lives. But fuck them, I'm telling the story. And this story is about people who don't have people like that.

I just facebook creeped a little. His profile is mostly closed off, but I could see the pictures. It's interesting. I've lived across the street from this kid for a while now. I learned more about his current life from those scant few pictures than I've known in a long time. It's so... interesting to see how people have changed. I don't even think about him that often anymore. Just a passing thought when his annoying ass car pulls into his driveway at all hours of the day (apparently he's really into cars now (doesn't make his fucking car any less annoying)). But now I'm wondering. What would have happened if I'd stayed in touch with him? Would we still be friends? Would we just be acquaintances? I mean, hypothetically I would just walk across the street and start up a conversation one day.

But I won't. Probably never will. I'll probably just sit around and wonder every now and then. I might even think back on better times when we ran around and played together. But it's just so strange. Thinking back on all the people who used to be so important to me, who are now little more than a passing face. But in a way it's nice. I can think back on the good times I used to have with this kid, and there's little animosity. He's one of the few that I parted with on good terms. There's so many others that if I passed them on an entirely empty street, I'd still pray they didn't see me. But after 10 minutes or so of looking through snippets of his life I'm left mostly curious about how it's been going. And with a lingering negativity left by others who are also no longer parts of my current life.

There are so many other "best friends" from once upon a time that for one reason or another, my body just has an unavoidable urge to run away from. Funny how that works. Ex-best friends seem to always be the ones you want to see the most... and the least.

And every time their names or faces pop up in my news feed there's a tiny whirlwind of emotions. Part of me is curious and wants to see how they've been doing. Another part remembers the good times. Then there's the part that remembers what went wrong. And then there's the tiny part of me that always wants to reach out and start anew. Pretend the past never happened, pretend that just talking to them would make everything ok. Pretend that neither side had done any wrong, that everything was the same as before. I always end up drowning out that tiny part. It's locked in some tiny closet in my mind gagged and bound.

Occasionally, like now, I wonder what could have been and what could be. Generally it's prompted by something, like the facebook updates, or even a dream. But like always, I'll drown out the thoughts with my drug of choice- the stories, and the friends who are still around. Tales of Vesperia has quite a few interesting characters. And there's almost always at least one person around who can distract me from my thoughts.

But tonight, I can only hope that I don't hear his car pulling into the driveway. Memory lane was never my favorite place.

Quote of the Day:

"I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street."
- Virginia Woolf.