Earlier today (or maybe it was yesterday) I started a post about how I admire people who want to change the world. I've scrapped it twice. Because I can't figure out what the hell I'm trying to say. And not in a way where I can just type and have something semi-coherent vomited out onto the page. I guess it's just something I need to think about more. Anyway, here goes.
Today my grandma took me to dinner at one of her friends' house. Her husband died just a few weeks ago. She's not very old- can't be too much older than my own parents. Everything about her was muted. Her voice, her actions, everything. I can't comprehend a loss like that. Today was the first day she's left the house since the funeral I think. Her friend said they went to Walmart. Tomorrow they're supposed to run a couple more errands. The friend says they'll take it one day at a time. I hope she feels better soon. I met her husband once. Seemed like a nice man. I hope she feels better soon.
That woman, she made me think. Not about death or loss or coping, but about me. She asked a lot of questions. Questions about where I'd gone to school, what I'd participated in, who my favorite author was, my favorite professor. What I wanted to do. Some were questions everyone asks. Others, were questions I'd never really been asked before. I had to think.
Who is my favorite author? I'm not sure if I have one. I said David Foster Wallace. He's not really my favorite. If I'm completely honest, I've never even finished one of his books. I've tried, but the man makes me think too damn hard. His writing is exhausting. I get so caught up in his words. In the flow. Then I forget what I'm reading and just drop it. He's not my favorite author. Maybe my favorite writer. In my head there's a difference.
But a favorite author? I can't say I have one. I don't read any one author regularly enough to call them my favorite. My reading is as fragmented as everything else I do. I pick up a book, read some, drop it, and move on to the next with no clear patterns. Favorite author? How can you pick one? They all do such different things. I have a love/hate relationship with Flannary O'Connor. I really like the core DragonLance novels by Tracy Hickman and Margaret Weiss. I've reread Jurrassic Park by Michael Crichton more times than most- but I've never read his other stuff. The Great Gatsby is still one of my favorite novels. I spent the last few days reading nothing but the best and worst of fanfiction I can find. But a favorite author? I don't know if I could pick one.
She asked me when Ball State's homecoming was. I had no idea. Facebook tells me it's this weekend. I never know when homecoming is. I never knew when homecoming was when I went there. School spirit has never been my thing. She seemed surprised that I didn't know anything about it. Or what events drew back alumni. I have no idea. I never thought about it. Never been my concern. I don't have any real motivation to see my peers again anyway. Hardly knew them when we were in the same classes everyday. Funny. Sounds just like how high school ended. Some things never change.
Favorite professor. I actually had an answer for that one. Barb. Can't for the life of me remember Barb's last name. She seemed shocked we called her Barb. Said something about BSU being very informal. I don't know what else we would have called her.
Within minutes of asking me what I'm doing now that I've graduated most people figure out I have no idea. And I'm not being very proactive about fixing that. I'm ok with that. Most others don't really understand that. I should be out doing things. Working. Something. But I'm not. And I'm ok with that. Because it's not about me. It's never been about me.
Everything I do is about them. What they want. What's best for them. What helps them the most. I can't run off and think only about myself. That's not who I am. That's never been who I am. They need me. To keep them from doing something stupid. To make them laugh. To help with homework. To show them that there's always another way. To have someone to talk to. To vent. To tell stupid stories. To let them know everything will be ok. To be there. And as long as they need me, I will always be there. They are my number one priority. I love them more than anything or anyone. Even when I hate them.
Quote of the Day:
"Indecision may or may not be my problem."
- Jimmy Buffett
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