It's almost 2 a.m. and it's one of those nights where my body just won't let me sleep.
My mind is racing. Why, I don't know. My insides have turned against me once again. That horridly familiar pain, a sharp, stabbing, leaking pain that assaulting my insides. I've never really been sure how to categorize that pain. I don't even really know what part of my body it's assaulting. It just hurts. And it hurts as expected. Always when I least expect it, but it's never unexpected. It's the pain I associate with having a uterus. I don't really even know if that's what's hurting. Sometimes I wonder what it really is. Most times I just deal.
But my mind is the bigger problem. It won't turn off. It's time for bed and it won't turn off. It's like it wants to suffer under a steady onslaught of self-doubt and self-consciousness. I don't know why. We were having a good time just a few minutes ago. I was watching Torchwood. And now I'm lying in bed fighting my mind and my body. But the same question keeps popping up.
What do you do when you don't know what to do with yourself?
I don't really know if there's an answer to that. Maybe there is. But is it a universal answer? Is there some magic word that can set my mind at ease, or do I just have to live though this as well? Do I just go on and hope I figure it out? What are you supposed to do?
What do you do when you have no idea what to do?
There's so many things a person could do with their life. So many things I could do with my life. But I don't know what. I have no idea. I am out of college and I have no idea what to do. And the only question on anyone's mind is "What's next?"
They say I can do so much.
But is it so wrong to want nothing more than to sit down, sip a cup of coffee, and watch TV? To watch other people live their lives? To want nothing more than a quiet rainy monday?
That can't be so bad.
Quote of the Day:
"Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion."
- Tina Fey
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