Fuckup (51 of 90)

On time again? Preposterous.

Procrastination:

I have a draft due for magazine in less than 12 hours. I will spend approximately half of that time sleeping. Approximately 3 additional hours will be spent in class. I don't know where the other three will go.

I have one sentence written. Well, two. Neither of which I like very much. I want to backspace them, but then I'm back at square one. And square one is a bad place to be in. I don't know what I'm writing. Which is probably why writing is so hard. Brad is entirely right (again, as always, etc etc I bow before the commander of my existence for the moment yadda yadda yadda). I can't even bring myself to bullshit. I physically can't. I cannot create utter bullshit for this class.

I want to. God knows I want to. I want to write something, anything, so that I have something to turn in. But the part of me that wants to succeed is too great. Not just make the grade, the part that actually wants to succeed. For a while now I haven't been in this for the grade. The grade doesn't matter, I could care less. But actually succeeding, that does. And for me to actually succeed. I can't be writing bullshit. I can't just put down a bunch of words that I know (and that he'll probably know) mean absolutely nothing. Which is why this is so damned difficult.

I can't write anything for real without knowing what I'm doing. And for this story, I have no flipping clue what the hell I'm doing. So much so, that I can't even come up with an introduction. At all. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. My brain is empty. But I get the feeling that that's ok. I mean, it's terrible for deadline and whatnot, but still. I don't know why, but I think it's ok. I still feel like I'm in a better place than I was when I started. Just knowing that I can't write bullshit has to be better than the bullshit writing fuckup I was before, right? Now I'm just a fuckup. No bullshit writing pretenses. That's progress. I think. I hope.

Oh who am I kidding, I'm still fucked.

Quote of the Day:

"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."

- A. A. Milne