Productivity:
I have none. I woke up around noon today. And only because I got a text message. I suppose sleeping in is acceptable considering I was up late last night, but I don't like it anyway. I spent my day writing a last minute research paper. And boy does it read like it.
The damn thing makes very little sense, the flow is all off, and I wish it didn't exist. Yeah, it's that bad. But I'm not going to fix it. Mostly because I'm lazy. Partially because I don't know what I'd change it to. It's somewhat acceptable and it'll stay that way.
I cleaned today. I also spent money, again (I need to stop doing that). I did homework for other classes. Other classes that should be just as important. But hell, I always feel like I'm not being productive. Even while writing papers, attending meetings, and reading for other classes. By other here, I mean not Brad's class.
It's strange. I'm being very productive. I really was all day. Until recently that is. But highly productive on the whole. But I still feel like I didn't accomplish anything. All because I didn't work on magazine today. It shouldn't carry so much weight in my life, but it does. It's almost like it's the only thing that matters.
And I think that's why I'm so reluctant to do anything for it. I'm terrified I'll fuck up. Terrified. Yes, I'm scared of messing up in creative writing as well. But it's never been like this. Never so bad that I can't think of anything at all.
I think I need to just follow Brad's latest advise tomorrow. Just write. Stop thinking and write. It'll be terrible. It'll be an abomination upon writing kind. But I'll have something. Anything. But I can't get over that wall. I've hit that damn wall. Like marathon runners. Except with less options. I have to get over this fear. Have to. I can't quit now. I don't know how I'm going to get past mine. But I really want the Juggernaut to come in and just fucking run through the wall for me. Be all like "I'M THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH" and burst the thing down.
Maybe I'll try it. Just run in screaming "I'M LAUREN BITCH!" and destroy this hold it has over me. Of course, I'll have to replace running and walls with typing and the fear a blank page inspires within me, but still. Metaphor stands. I've been writing an awful lot about not being able to write. And I'm getting tired of it. I'm tired of being terrified. I'm tired of not having anything. I'm tired of sucking so much. Maybe I will Juggernaut it. Then at least I'll have done something. Even if it's only to type recklessly and leave a huge mess behind me. I'll be the writing Juggernaut. All word count. No substance. But I'll have a cool fan made slogan.
I'm the Juggernaut Bitch.
Quote of the Day:
"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."
- Martin Luther King Jr.
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