Remix (60 of 90)

Hullo. Once again on time.

Inspiration:

I want to change it all. Remix it. This summer will start it. Imma be me. Just me. Every time I look at my sisters blog I think that's what I wanna do. I just wanna be me. I wanna be me and all of me all the time. I want my space to look like me. I want my face to look like me. I wanna ball. I want every part of me to scream me. I want to look my best even when I'm at my worst. I want to do what I want to do. I want to live. I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to write. i want to be the best there ever was.

I want to change my room. I want it simple. Full of my joys, my sorrows, my everything. I want people to walk in and say "this is Lauren". I want everything about me to scream me. I want the flyest shoes. I want the flyest clothes. I want a job that I'll enjoy. I want cash. I want to make bank. I want it all. I want it all.

I want those pictures that will remind me who I am. Who I was. What I'm working to become. I want everyone to know I'm a writer. Everyone. There will be no more doubts. No more, be a biologist. None of that. Just me. All me.

Every time I look at her blog I see that. I don't know if that's how it really is, I don't wanna know. But every time I look, I see someone free. Someone happy. Someone working towards what they want to do.

And I want that. I want all of it. I want to be my own person, with my own goals, and my own space. I want every inch of me to scream LOOK AT ME. Look at who I am. Who I've become. Who I want to be. I've always wanted that. I've been working towards it. But now, I think I'm ready for the full transition. I'm ready to just be me.

I know what I want.

I want a desk by the window. A small one. I want to be a pretentious writing ass hole. I want to be artsy and clever and colorful. I want books. I want them everywhere. I want games. I want them everywhere else. I want openness. I want space. I want to be free. I want my closet full of color. I want boots. I want leggings. I want to run again. I want to spar again. I want to fence. I want it all. I want notebooks and binders and stories everywhere the books and the games aren't.

I want to be me. I want a pokedex next to the count of monte cristo. I want a nerf gun next to a notebook. No holds barred. Everything bared for all to see. I want to begin the transformation. Little by little. I want to be the me I am now. And I want my belongings to reflect that. Not who I was, but who I am. And who I am does not center around lord of the rings. or stars and moons. or clutter or any of that. I want it clean, I want it sparse. I want it open and assholeish and perfect for writing.

So, in short. thank you Krystal. Thank you for being so awesome. I know I don't talk to you much. I see you even less. But somewhere along the line I developed a big sister complex, and I'm glad I know you. I'm glad I have the chance to look up to you and say "That's what I want to be." Not in any I'm going to be a model that's hot when bald and is becoming a DJ. But in a, I want to one day be able to fully say I chased my dreams and accomplished what I set out to do. I want to be able to say I've done everything I can to not let haters, perceptions, or myself stand in my way. I don't know where this complex came from, when it happened, or why it happened. There's usually no reason to it. But as long as it continues to push me, to help me strive to be a better person, then it's all good.

I'm happy with where I am now. I'm happy with the direction I'm going. I don't know where I'll end up yet. I honestly have no idea. But I'm glad things have turned out like this. I'm glad I can start taking those steps towards the person I'll become. I'm glad I have some idea of how I want to better myself. I'm excited for this summer. I really am. Maybe when I come back in the fall, I'll be a better me. A fuller me. A me who is ready to take on the world.

Quote of the Day:

"Livin Lovin, Lovin Livin, It's all good."
- Will Smith (Fresh Prince)