Racing Thoughts:
I'm not sure how to start this, but here goes. I think I need to come with a warning label. Not one of those slippery when wet signs or some other useless common sense drabble, but a legitimate warning label. A "Buyer Beware" if you will. I'm prone to breaking things. Or people as it were. And if I'm not breaking something, I'm probably confusing it to no end.
I'm a terrible communicator. I don't know how to say what I'm thinking or feeling. Or whatever. It takes me considerable amounts of time to find the correct words to say things. And then even longer to actually say it. I'm sorry, I can't help it. Sometimes I'll manage to just blurt whatever it is I'm thinking out, but for the most part it takes time. Try to understand, it's not as controllable as some might think. Sure, you might be all hunkey dorey with just saying things, but I have never been one of those people. I probably never will be. Even when I want to say something, anything, to make whatever I've fucked up better, it still takes me a while. I can't help it.
I'm also entirely infuriating. Yes, I am well aware of this fact. Sometimes this is intentional. Others its not. It goes back to the terrible communicator thing. Among other things as well. I'd apologize for this, but I'm not really sorry more often than not. Except for with certain people.
There's a possibility I'm terrified of commitment. This is a (very) recent development. I usually don't have any commitments to be afraid of. But I might be. I don't think I am, but there's a chance. I'm not sure what it is I'm afraid of exactly.
I have a tendency to let you think as you please. If you say you think I blah blah blah about you, I'll probably just let whatever it is go. You think what you want to think. Why? Because clearly you believe I've done something to that accord so why bother correcting it? It's a stupid philosophy I know. But also, I want you thinking. Its probably twisted. But I'd rather you ponder than to just set the record straight on most issues. God only knows why.
I am not a conversationalist. Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually not all that loud. Or vocal. I don't talk all that much. I am entirely comfortable with silence. I don't feel the need to talk to you just because you're in the same room. Or same space. Or whatever. There's nothing wrong with me if I'm being quiet. I'm not broken, I'm probably not thinking all that intensely. I'm just being me. I'm quiet and I find ways to entertain myself. It's just how I am.
I am a bag of contradictions. I know I don't make any sense. I'm sorry for that. But again, I can't help it. It's not my fault I'm a walking oxymoron. I wish I could do something to make this easier on you, but I can't. But I'm trying.
I think I'm done ranting for now. But really, I should come with a warning sign. A "this is what you're getting into". I always feel bad when I realize that inevitably I'm going to do something entirely stupid on accident and probably cause some harm. I am an uphill battle. And I don't think you know what you've signed up for. I'm not caring, I'm not nice, I'm not affectionate or girly. I'm scared shitless every time I remember just how much faith is placed in me to not fuck shit up. It's daunting really. Which is probably why I fully intend on staying up as late as possible so that I can sleep as late as possible and conveniently avoid any mishaps because I am passed out.
Me? Flighty and non-confrontational? Never.
Quote of the Day:
"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you will never find it."
- C.P. Snow
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